What if Cupid watched the slasher flick
My Bloody Valentine 3D?
Cupid is right outside a suburban window. An old angel with dirty wings, he stands there peek-a-booing through the frosty glass of someone’s living room. He takes a withered hand and wipes away the chill, wonders why the roses and the paper hearts aren’t hung around the living room akin to the holly and blinking lights that the Christmas angels all adore. He thinks his lovely celebration is dwindling. Cupid deems our hearts are growing bitter. So our wee-sized cherub with a duffle bag filled with dusty arrows and a bow shakes his head, walks away bewildered.
Cupid passes a movie theatre where the marquee flickers the latest show:
My Bloody Valentine, now in dazzling 3D. He buys a voucher as the ticket taker rips it with a smile full of metal. The young boy behind the ropes doesn’t even notice the seraph, not at all. Which is a trick that Cupid mastered long ago. If you saw him, he would simply appear as someone you once loved.
Now Cupid hasn’t taken-in a picture show for ages. Of course he knows that this is a really creepy one, but he’s watched a few before. He remembers Alfred Hitchcock’s
Psycho and Steven Spielberg’s
Jaws and figures incorrectly that the valentine in the title suggested something easygoing; at least it was “theme appropriate” to his cause.
It wasn’t long before the first 3D gore hit the big screen with a splatter. He ducked, stopped eating his popcorn too. More than anything, Cupid loved to munch on buttered popcorn. After today, he would never eat another kernel. He spit the rest back into the greasy cardboard bowl and slid it under his seat. He was glad no one noticed that he did that. They were all too busy screaming.
All around him couples were clinging to one another, shrieking n’ shivering from the horrors director Patrick Lussier (Scream I, II & III) persistently threw in all their faces. And they loved it. Every last adolescent one of them was in cheesy splatter heaven. Holding onto one another as if they were dropping off the face of a way too complicated world, My Bloody Valentine – 3D delivered such gratuitous ultra-violence to make their little hearts explode.
Later, Cupid finds himself peeking through the same suburban window. Two teenagers are sitting uncomfortably on the sofa. He knows that they are the next to fall in love. Without a thought, he summons a most severe malevolent demon from beneath the floorboards that’s more than willing to oblige. The creature pushes his face right into the couple’s. It scares the b’jesus outta ‘em as they scream like little girls. The demon disappears as quickly as he manifested. There was silence for a while. A little bit of steam from where the creature vanished hovered in the air. Then, as Cupid had predicted, they fell lovingly into one another’s arms.
In E†ernity,
Brazillia R. Kreep
source:
R. Productions
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